Sunday, September 03, 2006

Delayed Reaction: Portia

Back in second year, I went to visit my old friends from the girls' floor right below 3rd Hamber. All five of them, along with their new roommate, had all gone to a strip club the previous night, where they were treated to free drinks and lots of swag. Among the free stuff they got was a poster of one of the strippers, Portia, naked, which they gave to me. I rolled it up and held it loosely in my hand while we chatted, using it to scratch my head, tapping it against my head, and resting my chin on it. After about 40 minutes of letting me do this, their new roommate finally said, "You know that she rubbed that in her crotch before she threw it to us, right?"

Gross.

About a month ago a friend of my sister got married, and her stagette party was dinner, drinks, and pole dancing lessons. My sister told me later that Teri Hatcher made it famous, as she swears by it. I was later told that Matt's fiancée was also doing this for her stagette.

Weird.

A few weeks back Jowen, who is now employed by UBC and as such gets to take a couple of undergrad courses for free each year, tells me he's interested in Pole Dancing 101A. Being the unenlightened boor I am, I couldn't help but insult his manhood -- that is, until I looked at the course description and found that the instructor was a former exotic dancer who had performed internationally.

Intriguing.

So, I followed the link to the instructor's fitness studio, Tantra Fitness. I saw the pictures, I watched the video. I continued to insult Jowen's manhood. Then I read the bio:

Tammy Morris, also known as Portia...


I looked a little closer at the pictures, and compared them to what I could remember of the poster. (It's somewhere, I just don't know where exactly.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Small world, eh?

About 20 minutes ago, it got even smaller when I read this interview she did in Playboy. From the article:

In its August 12 issue, the National Enquirer broke the story that Affleck had gone to a strip club in Vancouver the night of the Dateline broadcast. That article, as well as the following two weeks' cover stories, claimed that Affleck got wild at Brandi's Exotic Nightclub and performed oral sex on a dancer at the club, and then gave oral sex to at least one other dancer later that night at the rented home of actor Christian Slater. On August 11's Tonight Show, Affleck confirmed to Jay Leno that he was at the club, but his attorney calls the Enquirer's claims "absolutely false." The Enquirer has countered, asking Affleck to take a lie detector test. The paper says the sources it used for its stories have already passed lie detector tests.

Since the controversy erupted, Tammy Morris, the stripper at the center of this celebrity storm, has been out of sight. The Enquirer's main source for its exposés, Morris claims she danced for Affleck at the club that night and that he performed oral sex on her later at Slater's house.


I immediately flashed back to my fourth year, when the same friends that gave me the poster telling me that they had heard that their stripper had broken up Bennifer I. My mind was blown.

Jowen, you should take the class.

Current Music: Peter Adams - The Spiral Eyes
Current pet peeve: spelling "whoa" "woah"

3 comments:

Jowen said...

I just want to make it clear that I'm not actually serious about taking pole dancing lessons.

Natasha said...

Just for your record, guys, Tammy is an AMAZING person in every way possible. Her life hass been full of very interesting moments that she might as well write a best-seller book. She has been through many different situations in her life, yet she has managed to make the best of it and become very successfull. She has her own studeo, she is an INCREDIBLE teacher (i've taken many lessons from other girls, but nobody could even compare).
So cosnider that before you think anything else;)

Anonymous said...

I would say that performing oral sex could be the only thing Ben Affleck actually did successfully.

Poor girl having that no talent box office loser from Bawston put his mouth on her fufu.

He had to have thrown down some major dough for that to happen.

Now if it was Brad Pitt he would have got it for free...