Friday, June 30, 2006

An open letter to Peter Lynn, of

Dear Mr. Lynn,

My name is Dickolas Wang, of Blogspot's I, Dickolas Wang. As you know, I have been reading your blog ever since June 11, 2005. I enjoy it greatly; I respect your craft and I look forward every day to hearing about the things you do and say to your co-workers and friends. "Oh, to have Peter Lynn make a fool of me and write about it on his blog!" I often think.

I will be visiting Toronto for the first time in my life from July 8-12 (my father doesn't like to travel, y'see) and I will be visiting several friends and seeing some of the essential touristy Toronto places. This promises to be a memorable trip, but what would make it even more memorable is a chance to be one of the people whom you cause to appear foolish in the aforementioned stories. And so I ask you, Mr. Lynn, if I might meet you while I visit Toronto.

At this point you are thinking, "Wow, this kid is weird." I do not know of any way to not appear weird when discussing meeting people I only e-know. Still, I believe that it would be worthwhile for you to meet me, for four reasons:

  1. I'm exactly the kind of schmuck you might pull something on that you would write about later;

  2. I'm a huge fan;

  3. I've introduced your blog to at least ten readers in Vancouver and Berkeley; and

  4. I'm physically feeble and thus easily subdued in a pinch.

(You will note that I have not claimed to be cool and not crazy. This is because I believe that these are things that should be judged by one's peers. For me to say that I am cool and not crazy is like me giving myself my own nickname, which is abhorrent and something I do not do.)

Think of it not as meeting me, but as meeting me and the readers I have provided you. Through me at least ten of my friends have become regular MvC! readers; a handful have even overcome their incredible hero-worship of you to leave a comment. Most though are too intimidated and continue to lurk.

Again, because I believe firmly in the peer-review process, here's what some of those friends have to say on the subject:

Dear Mr. Lynn,

I am writing this letter at the request of my friend Richard Liang (aka Dickolas Wang), who would really like to meet you in person.

There are many reasons for you to meet Richard. First of all, he's a great guy and quite possibly your biggest fan. He's always telling people to read your blog -it is because of Richard that I read your blog. He frequently brings you up in conversation, often off-topic and out of the blue.

If you are creeped out at this point, Mr. Lynn, you should be. His behaviour is borderline obsessive. However, you need not worry for your safety; not only is Richard extremely weak, but he's also Asian (and a computer science grad) and therefore never learned how to fight properly. If you need to get rid of him at any point, he shouldn't be any harder to beat up than a crippled child.


(Théa has read this.)

Dear Mr. Man Vs. Clown!,

I have been tasked with the responsibility of convincing you to agree to a meeting with Dickolas Wang while s/he visits Toronto. Considering that I don't really know either one of you, I'm puzzled as to why my opinion matters, but apparently it does. To begin, here is what I was told to say:

1) Dick's a big one (fan, but also a bigolas wang).
2) S/He's introduced you to at least ten new readers. (That's what I was told, but it's probably more accurate to say that s/he has introduced your work to ten new readers.)
3) S/He's physically feeble and thus easily subdued in a pinch. (Just be careful if you try to sweep the leg, as Dickolas is reported to have the calves of a pregnant cow. If flustered, I recommend the Koshinage hip throw.)

I suppose I could veer off into a sappy story about how wonderful the internet is. I mean, 10 years ago, who could've imagined that you might soon log on to Wikipedia to meet new friends? And now Dickolas has found someone else with interests in grammar, Star Trek, and hating on people. You're also Canadian, which has to count for something. So will you kindly please allow Dickolas to buy you a beer and be done with it? I can promise that Dickolas will be high on caffeine pills for the occasion. S/He's so excited. S/He's so excited! S/He's so... scared!

The regards of your pal,
The Fed Ex Of Funk

(The Fed Ex Of Funk is clearly pretty lame but still is obviously too cool to admit that he knows me.)

Hello Peter Lynn. I think my friend Richard should be allowed to meet you so he can determine whether or not you're hot, as I am unable to go to Toronto to meet you myself.

Rachel Empson

(Note that two of the testimonials are from girls. This should speak to how socially well-balanced I am.)

Mr. Lynn,

Here's a trick I learned in the army:

On my first day of university (UBC) I joined the Math Club, where I soon after met a one Richard Liang. I was struck by Richard's personable attitude, boyish good looks, and extremely thick and powerful calves. Richard was a senior member of the Math Club and cut a wide swath; he was a veritable god among pale skinned, effeminate men.

Richard left for grad school two years ago, but we've kept in touch. About one year ago Richard strongly suggested that I read "Man vs. Clown!". He recommended a particular entry. I can't remember which. Something about a bus I think. But for "Man vs. Clown!" that's not particularly descriptive is it? I liked the... slogan? ("In which the author...") I guess it's a slogan. There's probably a copy editor word for it.

Needless to say I didn't really like the entry. Now I'm not sure how it happened, but eventually I was reading MvC every day. Then twice a day. Nowadays whenever I'm on the computer I usually check for updates every half hour or so.

Since starting to read your blog, I've tried to incorporate it as much as I can into my everyday life. I've argued in favour of having "Beach Party Massacre" as the theme of an annual weekend retreat I attend (fingers crossed!). I've shown all my friends Dancing French Girl. I leave "the world's most homoerotic fight scene" on every public computer I use. I attempt to quote you extensively. "Hey, are you going to the rape-down later? We're all gonna get totally raped up." What I like most about your blog is when you lie to people. I like to lie to people too! I can't stop. Little lies big lies, all the time! I enjoy it because people believe a lot of things.

I read only two blogs: yours and Richard's. I read them because they're well written, they entertain me, and they don't contain extraneous crap about day to day life that isn't funny. That and I have an obsessive personality. Despite their obvious differences I find that MvC and "I, Dick Wang" have similarities in their style and outlook. This brings me to my next (and possibly only) point.

You need to meet Richard Liang. Nay, you must. Richard has introduced (and ruthlessly promoted) MvC to many people, who have undoubtedly introduced it to many more. I personally attempt to spread the MvC goodness around as much as possible. I would say he was your biggest fan if it were not for myself. Rich has a sense of humour that I'm sure you'd appreciate. He's a good talker. And I can personally attest that Richard has never killed or attempted to kill either me, or anyone I know.

What do I have to gain from this meeting? To simply experience it vicariously through Richard's vivid and extensive description would bring me joy. So sir, I implore you to meet with Richard Liang and make the world a better place. Remember, you're his blog hero.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Cameron Funnell

(Cameron has just reminded me of Alizee, whom I have been meaning to look up again for some time.)

So my invitation to you, Mr. Lynn: if you are game and have time, I would love to shake your hand and get your autograph, and possibly several autographs for my friends in Vancouver and in Berkeley. Perhaps a picture of you at your computer blogging -- I promise not to put it on the internet. If you are feeling really adventurous I will even buy you a beer. You don't have to show up alone, either -- bring a heavy for protection if you so desire. Bring your sword if you want (but please not one of the sharp ones). My friends all attest to how easily you could fuck me up if I turn out to be a threat. We can meet in a public area. Even a half-hour meeting would be good. (Bringing people and meeting for a short period of time might be more comfortable for everyone involved anyway as otherwise this veers dangerously close to the realm of the dreaded man-date.)

To my friends, do me a favour and leave a comment saying why I am a good guy and why people benefit from meeting me.

Anyway, I hope you will consider my offer. Send me an e-mail if you do, at

The Internet's Foremost Dickolas Wang

Monday, June 26, 2006

The joke is the unintentional double-entendre in the headline

I saw this headline on the News RSS feed:

Medium star Patricia Arquette weds actor Thomas Jane in Italy

My first thought was Medium? That's kinda generous.

Current Music: AC Newman - The Town Halo

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Attn: Mmes. Empson, McKerricher & Tong, Messrs. Funnell, Ex Of Funk, Tanner & Yeo

Please get in touch with me ASAP, I need the thing we talked about by Thursday.

(Travis, get in touch with me extra-ASAP so I can tell you what the thing we talked about was.)

Current Music: Beirut - Postcards from Italy

Friday, June 23, 2006

w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t w00t


Best burns ever (Random quotes from my past, provided with some context)


And then there's this story about my sort-of semi-ex-girlfriend...

Other student 1

What the hell does that mean?

Other student 2

She sent you an e-mail once?


So yeah, that's the theory, that nothing can't be improved by either adding bacon or chocolate.


What about asparagus?


Bacon-wrapped asparagus, mm mm.


What about your mom?

Current Music: Jason Collett - We All Lose One Another

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

A call to arms

Right at the moment MSN appears to be down for a lot of my friends (judging from my sample of two). This is when we used to use ICQ as our fallback, but no one wants to do that anymore (I certainly don't). So I implore all of you, please, just give Google Talk a try. If you have a gmail account, just log in using Firefox or [shudder] IE and there's a web client right there. If you don't, send me an e-mail (either my real gmail or the one in the profile) and I'll send you an invite.

It's time we had a real fallback for when MSN is sucking. I'm not saying that GT will be more reliable than MSN if/when it takes off. I'm just saying that it makes a nice fallback for when you don't feel like opening ICQ (which is always). Google Talk might still be in development, but it has a number of nice features already:

  • Chats are stored server-side in your gmail account, so that you can access your chat history anywhere you can get on the web;

  • The voice chat is immaculate, rivalling Skype in voice quality;

  • The web client is very functional and even works on my Mac.

For the techies, it's built on open protocols and they encourage the use of third-party clients, and are even working to add voice chatting code to Gaim (and by extension the rest of the GPL'd open source community).

If you do have it and you are my friend, add me to your list -- my real gmail account, not the one in the profile. If you wish to become my friend send an e-mail to the one in the profile.

Pretty please?

Monday, June 19, 2006

Why not just burn the flags?

I didn't write this earlier because I didn't want to jinx the series (and look how well that turned out), but was it me or were the anthem singers in the Stanley Cup final kind of crappy? Every time I listened to "AND THE ROCKETS' RED GLAAAAAAAAARE" and cringed at their pitch (or lack thereof). The singer tonight in Carolina was especially shameful. Her "home and native land" was particularly bad.

Canucks fans should feel grateful for Mark Donnelly.

EDIT (12:28AM, June 20, 2006): Jay Onrait agrees with me on the singer. His game 7 blog is a pretty good description of the NBC broadcasts I've been watching, which I've been impressed with except for the four ads they keep repeating. His takes on the Heineken Light and "America's Got Talent" ads made me smile and nod. He doesn't mention the Sprint Fair and Flexible ad they keep running, though -- if I see that one more time I'm going to go kick a Sprint salesman in the shins.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

James becomes aware that someone else was in the house because Bridget is allergic to cherries

I just spent the last 40 minutes watching R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet". It just doesn't let up! Thanks, Victor!

I'm going to recommend that you watch all of it.

I hope you're still watching, because here's where it takes that step from pretty funny to absolutely must-watch, by any metric.

Current Music: R. Kelly - Trapped in the Closet

Monday, June 12, 2006

Which of the X-Men are YOU?

You Are Cyclops

Dedicated and responsible, you will always remain loyal to your cause.
You are a commanding leader - after all, you can kill someone just by looking at them.

Power: force beams from your eyes

Goddamn it.

Random quotes from my past, provided without context #37


-- Steve Kwan

Current Music: Super Furry Animals - Hermann Loves Pauline

Thursday, June 08, 2006

1000th game

Over the last ten months, since my 500th game -- a memorable loss, unfortunately -- I've played another 500 games of Minesweeper Flags, 300+ of them against Rachel, who has definitely supplanted Jim and Adam as my bitterest rival. (Jim, in fact, stopped playing for so long that his record has been blanked on the MSN servers.) This recently put me at my 1000th game, and this could only go to said bitterest rival (although I did try to get a game in the week preceding with Jim that was aborted due to MSN games troubles and a Blue Jays game, and I played several with Adam. Thanks guys, you are formidable opponents).

The game itself proceeded as follows:

We started with some good HDM. It is tight though and neither of us gains a convincing upper hand.

After this first flurry, despite my being distracted by repeatedly hitting "Print Screen" and pasting to a Paint window, I manage to open up a decent lead. This is probably attributable equally as much to her mistakes as my solid play, as evidenced by this mistake:

Alas, she gets on a roll and the game evens:

However, while I am infuriated at this point and beginning to curse the MF gods who would make another of my milestone games a loss, I remember the errors that caused my 500th game downfall and maintain my cool, continuing with my methodical and responsible play, waiting for a mistake, biding my time. At least I can hold my head high and say, "It was no one's fault. I'm not an idiot," I think to myself.

Fortunately, it didn't come to that.

Cost you the game. Cost you the game.

A late desperate bomb was, alas, too little and much too late, and I swooped in for the kill. gg, Rachel.

My record over 1000 games: 745-255, for an 0.745 winning percentage exactly. A slip from my 0.75 winning percentage over the first 500 games, but most of these games were against stiff competition - not a lot of newbie fodder this 500 games, nosireebob. Hey, I'll still beat your ass.

Good times.

Current Music: Ron Sexsmith & The Uncool - Grand Opera Lane

The Fiscally Unsound Misadventures of Dickolas Wang

About four months ago, after at least one encounter with a very pushy salesman, I bought the cheapest cell phone I could find to go with my prepaid plan. At first I wasn't sure I wanted to keep it, but, well, it's been four months now and I haven't looked back. I finally sat down to take care of the mail-in rebate, only to find that the rebate form had to have been sent by April 30, 2006.

While I might just be a moron for this, I specifically remember the salesperson telling me that the rebate could be sent in anytime in either the next six months or the next twelve months. She didn't give me a fixed date like April 30, in any case. Tomorrow I suppose I will call T-Mobile and plead my case, but I see nothing but a headache and growing frustration in my immediate future.

Why did I wait so long? Firstly, because at first I wasn't sure I would keep it. Secondly, because after I had decided to keep it, I thought I'd have until at least July. Lastly, and this is stupid, cutting the proof of purchase out of boxes is my pet peeve. I'm a packrat, and I like to keep all of my packaging pristine. So much so, in fact, that I'm now asking myself whether or not, if I'm being really really honest with myself, deep down I always thought the $30 wasn't worth it to keep the box that my very first cell phone came in intact.

What am I saying? Of course it fucking wasn't.

Current Music: Feist - Mushaboom
Current deep-down personal feeling: Yeah, maybe it was

Monday, June 05, 2006

Somebody needs to wash their hair

Ever mixed Diet Coke and Mentos? I haven't, but Slashdot has.

For the non-Slashdotters out there: what happens when you mix Diet Coke and Mentos.

Current Music: Harry McClintock - Big Rock Candy Mountain

Is Ross Perot still alive?

Dunning could probably take Ross Perot in the octagon.

Things I have learned from the Durnken Dunning podcast thus far:
  • Grimace (of McDonalds fame) was a tastebud.

  • The world vinegar market is tied to the US dollar.

  • The Hambliger, ninjas, albino giraffes, the survivors of the Hindenburg, Hugo Boss, all switched da knobs.

Current Music: Feist

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Where have you been all my life, Golden Oreos?

Today in the cookie aisle of the Safeway on Shattuck I discovered New! Golden Oreos Original.

I did a double take -- could this be, at last, the white Girl Guide/Scout cookies of my youth, available through channels that don't require me to speak to a real live girl?


Now that's a good cookie, and with zero grams of trans fats per serving!

Tomorrow I will try some more of them in combination with decaffeinated green tea. Take that, free radicals!

Current Music: Eisley - Marvelous Things