Friday, June 30, 2006

An open letter to Peter Lynn, of Cracked.com

Dear Mr. Lynn,

My name is Dickolas Wang, of Blogspot's I, Dickolas Wang. As you know, I have been reading your blog ever since June 11, 2005. I enjoy it greatly; I respect your craft and I look forward every day to hearing about the things you do and say to your co-workers and friends. "Oh, to have Peter Lynn make a fool of me and write about it on his blog!" I often think.

I will be visiting Toronto for the first time in my life from July 8-12 (my father doesn't like to travel, y'see) and I will be visiting several friends and seeing some of the essential touristy Toronto places. This promises to be a memorable trip, but what would make it even more memorable is a chance to be one of the people whom you cause to appear foolish in the aforementioned stories. And so I ask you, Mr. Lynn, if I might meet you while I visit Toronto.

At this point you are thinking, "Wow, this kid is weird." I do not know of any way to not appear weird when discussing meeting people I only e-know. Still, I believe that it would be worthwhile for you to meet me, for four reasons:

  1. I'm exactly the kind of schmuck you might pull something on that you would write about later;

  2. I'm a huge fan;

  3. I've introduced your blog to at least ten readers in Vancouver and Berkeley; and

  4. I'm physically feeble and thus easily subdued in a pinch.


(You will note that I have not claimed to be cool and not crazy. This is because I believe that these are things that should be judged by one's peers. For me to say that I am cool and not crazy is like me giving myself my own nickname, which is abhorrent and something I do not do.)

Think of it not as meeting me, but as meeting me and the readers I have provided you. Through me at least ten of my friends have become regular MvC! readers; a handful have even overcome their incredible hero-worship of you to leave a comment. Most though are too intimidated and continue to lurk.

Again, because I believe firmly in the peer-review process, here's what some of those friends have to say on the subject:

Dear Mr. Lynn,

I am writing this letter at the request of my friend Richard Liang (aka Dickolas Wang), who would really like to meet you in person.

There are many reasons for you to meet Richard. First of all, he's a great guy and quite possibly your biggest fan. He's always telling people to read your blog -it is because of Richard that I read your blog. He frequently brings you up in conversation, often off-topic and out of the blue.

If you are creeped out at this point, Mr. Lynn, you should be. His behaviour is borderline obsessive. However, you need not worry for your safety; not only is Richard extremely weak, but he's also Asian (and a computer science grad) and therefore never learned how to fight properly. If you need to get rid of him at any point, he shouldn't be any harder to beat up than a crippled child.

Sincerely,
Théa

(Théa has read this.)

Dear Mr. Man Vs. Clown!,

I have been tasked with the responsibility of convincing you to agree to a meeting with Dickolas Wang while s/he visits Toronto. Considering that I don't really know either one of you, I'm puzzled as to why my opinion matters, but apparently it does. To begin, here is what I was told to say:

1) Dick's a big one (fan, but also a bigolas wang).
2) S/He's introduced you to at least ten new readers. (That's what I was told, but it's probably more accurate to say that s/he has introduced your work to ten new readers.)
3) S/He's physically feeble and thus easily subdued in a pinch. (Just be careful if you try to sweep the leg, as Dickolas is reported to have the calves of a pregnant cow. If flustered, I recommend the Koshinage hip throw.)

I suppose I could veer off into a sappy story about how wonderful the internet is. I mean, 10 years ago, who could've imagined that you might soon log on to Wikipedia to meet new friends? And now Dickolas has found someone else with interests in grammar, Star Trek, and hating on people. You're also Canadian, which has to count for something. So will you kindly please allow Dickolas to buy you a beer and be done with it? I can promise that Dickolas will be high on caffeine pills for the occasion. S/He's so excited. S/He's so excited! S/He's so... scared!

The regards of your pal,
The Fed Ex Of Funk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs

(The Fed Ex Of Funk is clearly pretty lame but still is obviously too cool to admit that he knows me.)

Hello Peter Lynn. I think my friend Richard should be allowed to meet you so he can determine whether or not you're hot, as I am unable to go to Toronto to meet you myself.

Rachel Empson

(Note that two of the testimonials are from girls. This should speak to how socially well-balanced I am.)

Mr. Lynn,

Here's a trick I learned in the army:

On my first day of university (UBC) I joined the Math Club, where I soon after met a one Richard Liang. I was struck by Richard's personable attitude, boyish good looks, and extremely thick and powerful calves. Richard was a senior member of the Math Club and cut a wide swath; he was a veritable god among pale skinned, effeminate men.

Richard left for grad school two years ago, but we've kept in touch. About one year ago Richard strongly suggested that I read "Man vs. Clown!". He recommended a particular entry. I can't remember which. Something about a bus I think. But for "Man vs. Clown!" that's not particularly descriptive is it? I liked the... slogan? ("In which the author...") I guess it's a slogan. There's probably a copy editor word for it.

Needless to say I didn't really like the entry. Now I'm not sure how it happened, but eventually I was reading MvC every day. Then twice a day. Nowadays whenever I'm on the computer I usually check for updates every half hour or so.

Since starting to read your blog, I've tried to incorporate it as much as I can into my everyday life. I've argued in favour of having "Beach Party Massacre" as the theme of an annual weekend retreat I attend (fingers crossed!). I've shown all my friends Dancing French Girl. I leave "the world's most homoerotic fight scene" on every public computer I use. I attempt to quote you extensively. "Hey, are you going to the rape-down later? We're all gonna get totally raped up." What I like most about your blog is when you lie to people. I like to lie to people too! I can't stop. Little lies big lies, all the time! I enjoy it because people believe a lot of things.

I read only two blogs: yours and Richard's. I read them because they're well written, they entertain me, and they don't contain extraneous crap about day to day life that isn't funny. That and I have an obsessive personality. Despite their obvious differences I find that MvC and "I, Dick Wang" have similarities in their style and outlook. This brings me to my next (and possibly only) point.

You need to meet Richard Liang. Nay, you must. Richard has introduced (and ruthlessly promoted) MvC to many people, who have undoubtedly introduced it to many more. I personally attempt to spread the MvC goodness around as much as possible. I would say he was your biggest fan if it were not for myself. Rich has a sense of humour that I'm sure you'd appreciate. He's a good talker. And I can personally attest that Richard has never killed or attempted to kill either me, or anyone I know.

What do I have to gain from this meeting? To simply experience it vicariously through Richard's vivid and extensive description would bring me joy. So sir, I implore you to meet with Richard Liang and make the world a better place. Remember, you're his blog hero.

Your humble and obedient servant,

Cameron Funnell

(Cameron has just reminded me of Alizee, whom I have been meaning to look up again for some time.)

So my invitation to you, Mr. Lynn: if you are game and have time, I would love to shake your hand and get your autograph, and possibly several autographs for my friends in Vancouver and in Berkeley. Perhaps a picture of you at your computer blogging -- I promise not to put it on the internet. If you are feeling really adventurous I will even buy you a beer. You don't have to show up alone, either -- bring a heavy for protection if you so desire. Bring your sword if you want (but please not one of the sharp ones). My friends all attest to how easily you could fuck me up if I turn out to be a threat. We can meet in a public area. Even a half-hour meeting would be good. (Bringing people and meeting for a short period of time might be more comfortable for everyone involved anyway as otherwise this veers dangerously close to the realm of the dreaded man-date.)

To my friends, do me a favour and leave a comment saying why I am a good guy and why people benefit from meeting me.

Anyway, I hope you will consider my offer. Send me an e-mail if you do, at dickolas.wang@gmail.com.

Yours,
The Internet's Foremost Dickolas Wang

5 comments:

thea said...

cameron, you stopped reading my blog? ...sniff.

Peter Lynn said...

Dude, I was going to suggest this myself when I heard you were coming out this way. Let's hook this up.

Friends and readers: Dickolas Wang appears to be a good guy whom you would benefit from meeting. I'll let you know if this hypothesis is borne out within a few weeks.

Jowen said...

Great things will come from this meeting.

Cameron said...

YEAH!

Dave said...

I laughed out loud at point iv:
"I'm physically feeble and thus easily subdued in a pinch."

Fantastic. Good luck with the meeting.