Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Patent pending

I have decided, with universal support from my friends (except maybe Shankar, who is vegetarian), that next year's American Thanksgiving weekend party will opt on the side of more meat, rather than less. The natural choice for the main course, then, is turducken, everyone's favourite mockery of the food chain. Unfortunately, I've found that turduckens cost something like $80 on the internet1. Well fuck that; I'll just have to make my own.

Another plan that has received support (but probably not from Dave, who is Jewish) is to wrap the turducken with bacon. I may have mentioned this to you before, but Adam's friend has a theory that no food is not enhanced by the addition of bacon and/or chocolate. Turducken must be amazing -- how could it not be, really -- but bacoturducken must be like a full-on orgasm with every bite!

So I am proud to announce (now, so that if anyone steals my idea I'll have demonstrable prior art) that next year's American Thanksgiving Weekend dinner party will be the Bacon and/or Chocolate Experiment of '07. Guests must bring dishes containing bacon and/or chocolate, which ordinarily do not contain either. For the vegetarians, soy bacon; for the Jews, turkey bacon. For everyone, chocolate. Try -- I defy you, try -- to make something taste worse than it would without bacon and/or chocolate. (However you must not intentionally ruin any dish by putting in the incorrect one of bacon or chocolate; for example, bacon ice cream or chocolate omelets will not be welcomed.) The centrepiece shall be a bacon and chocolate fondue. It remains to be decided if this will consist of chunks of bacon that will be dipped in chocolate sauce, or hunks of chocolate that will be deep-fried at the table in bacon fat, or both.

The Bacon and/or Chocolate Experiment of '07: Bite me if this isn't better with bacon and/or chocolate!

1. Ordinarily I am reticent to buy food online because I feel that it's a slippery slope which can only end in buying raw meat online, which is exactly what buying a turducken online would be. However I would readily make an exception in this case because I feel that it's really part and parcel with the turducken experience.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The Great Tofurkey Binge of '06 Video Roundup

I've edited together some videos from the Great Tofurkey Binge of '06 and put together a special LUGsWang: see it here. You should watch it. Especially you, Théa.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Tofurkey, with an e

Having eaten Tofurky, Un-Turkey, and a tofurkey of my own construction, I am beginning to doubt whether or not I wish my statue to be built out of tofurkey.

On the other hand, if it were, that would keep a few people from eating it.

Current Music: Sloan - I've Gotta Try

Monday, November 20, 2006

Friday Friday Friday

This weekend is the weekend of November 23, and you know what that means:

It's time for the Great Tofurkey Binge of '06!

Gather your friends and loved ones around the soy and seitan and dig in. I'll be having my Binge on Friday; by all means have yours any of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. My plan is to both build a tofurkey as well as cook a Tofurky. Mmm mmm, protein.

Someone today was incredulous today that I would have it on Friday and not Thursday, because Americans apparently are pretty firm on eating their Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. I did think about it, and almost changed the date, but then I realized: this isn't Thanksgiving, dammit, this is the Great Tofurkey Binge of '06.

(Also, this allows any Americans out there to celebrate both!)

If anyone would like to participate in this exciting new tradition, please do take some pictures of your tofurkey and send them to me. Anyone? Anyone?

The Great Tofurkey Binge of '06: It's soy good!

Current Music: Tom Waits - Rain Dogs

Thursday, November 16, 2006

What's Wang This Week

Again, no time. Instead, here are small updates:

Huh huh huh... you said (Words that are guaranteed to make me chuckle)


Fun fact: this is also a perk of not being in Vancouver right now. Brushing your teeth with bottled water? Lame.

Gourd shot! (A record of how much better Adam is than me at squash)

In a stunning turnaround, today Adam was forced to skip out of squash due to work and prior plans. I can only take this as a forfeit of the 8 games we otherwise would have played, and so the tally now stands at

Adam 24, Richard 16

Dag, America

I got a summons for jury duty today. My original thought was, "What, don't they keep track of who's a citizen and who isn't?" My second thought was "Oh shit, does that not matter?" My third thought was "Oh fuck, I'm supposed to fly home soon after this summons, can I get out of it on account of travel plans?" Then I read the form and found out that my first thought was the most relevant: I'm "not qualified" on account of not being a citizen of the US. Oh Canada!

(Note to self: commit a felony so that I don't have to do jury duty in Canada either. Maybe something noble so that I can help the needy or something, while also having an interesting story to tell women so as to appear dangerous. Alternative: be elected to public office and be found guilty of malfeasance.)

While that was irksome, what really gets me about it is that now I have to fill out a short form and mail it back to the court, and the reply envelope they provided isn't even postage paid. I have to tell them I can't do it, and I have to pay to do it. And that's just gauche. Dag, America.

Current Music: Tom Waits - Franks Wild Years

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Political humor (note the lack of "u")

Now that the election is really over, I can say this without jinxing it:

The 2006-08 United States Senate: the house that Macaca built.

Current Music: Super Furry Animals - (Drawing) Rings Around The World

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

In conversation with Dickolas (Non-random quotes from today, provided with context)



Thanks... but it was a cough.


A cough.

Don't you say gesundheit when someone coughs?

Nope, you say it when someone sneezes.

So a sneeze is different from a cough in your books then? You view them as separate entities?

Uh... yeah.

Then what do you say when someone coughs?

Um... "Cover your mouth"?

Current Music: Elvis Costello - Man Out Of Time

Full House(s of Congress)

I am a Canadian who would prefer to not talk about American politics for fear of exposing his own ignorance. Nonetheless, I want to express how glad I am that the mid-term elections are over so that the United States government can now forget about the two-party dog-and-pony show they have to pull out every two years and get back to what they do best: being controlled by the Freemasons.

Current mysterious society: the Shriners

Monday, November 06, 2006

And the first one said to the second one there, "I hope you're having fun"

I didn't sleep well last night, it's too hot in my office, my throat is a little sore, my nose is running, my ears won't pop from the trip down the hill, and I have "Band on the Run" stuck in my head.

Fucking Mondays.

Current Music: The Arcade Fire - In The Back Seat

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Eastmost peninsula is the secret

Just in case you haven't figured out what that was yet,

Giggedy giggedy gig-gig-gig-giggedy giggedy giggedy giggedy g-g-g-giggedy goo!

Thanks to Vince for the link.