Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Patent pending

I have decided, with universal support from my friends (except maybe Shankar, who is vegetarian), that next year's American Thanksgiving weekend party will opt on the side of more meat, rather than less. The natural choice for the main course, then, is turducken, everyone's favourite mockery of the food chain. Unfortunately, I've found that turduckens cost something like $80 on the internet1. Well fuck that; I'll just have to make my own.

Another plan that has received support (but probably not from Dave, who is Jewish) is to wrap the turducken with bacon. I may have mentioned this to you before, but Adam's friend has a theory that no food is not enhanced by the addition of bacon and/or chocolate. Turducken must be amazing -- how could it not be, really -- but bacoturducken must be like a full-on orgasm with every bite!

So I am proud to announce (now, so that if anyone steals my idea I'll have demonstrable prior art) that next year's American Thanksgiving Weekend dinner party will be the Bacon and/or Chocolate Experiment of '07. Guests must bring dishes containing bacon and/or chocolate, which ordinarily do not contain either. For the vegetarians, soy bacon; for the Jews, turkey bacon. For everyone, chocolate. Try -- I defy you, try -- to make something taste worse than it would without bacon and/or chocolate. (However you must not intentionally ruin any dish by putting in the incorrect one of bacon or chocolate; for example, bacon ice cream or chocolate omelets will not be welcomed.) The centrepiece shall be a bacon and chocolate fondue. It remains to be decided if this will consist of chunks of bacon that will be dipped in chocolate sauce, or hunks of chocolate that will be deep-fried at the table in bacon fat, or both.

The Bacon and/or Chocolate Experiment of '07: Bite me if this isn't better with bacon and/or chocolate!

1. Ordinarily I am reticent to buy food online because I feel that it's a slippery slope which can only end in buying raw meat online, which is exactly what buying a turducken online would be. However I would readily make an exception in this case because I feel that it's really part and parcel with the turducken experience.

7 comments:

dinning said...

What you really need to make is a hamsturfucken.

That would be a chicken, inside a duck, inside a large fish of some sort, inside a turkey, then wrapped with plenty o' ham.

Jowen said...

What about sashimi? I don't think bacon and raw fish work well together, and chocolate and raw fish would be even worse.

Where do I collect my prize?

Peter Lynn said...

Make sure that you use a sausage-based stuffing inside the bacoturducken. You can get a fifth meat that way.

Dickolas Wang said...

Jowen: I disagree, I think bacon and sashimi could really work. In any case, there's only one way to find out!

Peter: This is a good call. I was also thinking of doing a shrimp stuffing, and working some seafood in there. However, in the interest of keeping it kosher, I might skip the shellfish and go with soy sausage, perhaps as an homage to this year's lessons, and also to Jim's struggles.

Jim: Perhaps "hamsturphucken" would work better. This would be chicken -> duck -> pheasant -> turkey -> king salmon (or sturgeon?) -> ham. You've given me an idea, which also allows me to use the tagline that I wanted to use for the party when it was still to have turducken as its primary theme.

Hamsturphuckennacht '08: as nature intended!

Anonymous said...

On a not unrelated note, I'm spending next Thanksgiving in Havana.

Anonymous said...

Can I bring some bacon brownies?

Dickolas Wang said...

Bacon brownies will not be welcomed.