What's Wang This Week

Have you entered my haiku contest yet? Keep 'em coming, there's lots of good stuff already and they seem to be getting better and better. But you know what's missing? I would really like my good friend Li'l Devilangel to write a haiku. I would really like that. How about it, Amber?

It's been a busy week. I drove about 1000 miles. Then I found a piece of fish in my desk. I was reading today about how if a cat loves you, it will inevitably bring you a dead rat, regardless of whether or not you wanted a dead rat. It would have been one thing if the fish had been some sort of misguided welcome back gift, á la the dead rat, but sadly I don't think the piece of fish was a token of friendship at all (Brad says he remembers his dinner "mysteriously disappearing" one time), and I have no idea how I'm going to get the fish oils out of the wood. On the brighter side, I gave Brad three wedgies (the first two were lacklustre, but the third one actually elicited a choked "IRK" sound) and I intend to give him several more before the month is over. The fucker also owes me about $200 for phone and internet, so I'll put some extra zeal into those wedgies. If only I could harness my calf strength somehow.

I've been walking around way more than I did in the summer, and consequently my entire lower half is sore. If I keep this up and actually follow through with my idea to hike to my apartment a couple of times a week from campus (rather than bussing it), I might even lose a few pounds, which would potentially improve my abs even more than Graham, Vikram, and Jowen can improve theirs. This might help me as a judge in their Ab Improvement Contest, because when I think about it, if you were having a weight loss contest, you'd want Jared the Subway Guy to judge, not just some guy who was always skinny or some guy who was always fat. I mean, they don't just get random idiots to judge on American/Canadian Idol. No; they get Paula Abdul and that dude from Journey/Sass Jordan, who may or may not be idiots, but they're not random.

With the addition of Thomas' blog to my sidebar, my blogroll feels a whole lot more complete, with most of my tier I friends (or at least enough of them for a quorum) finally linked. However, with this addition, the links -- which I had previously complained were becoming unmanageable -- have become unmanageable. It may well be time for me to give up on all the lame jokes I have come up with for all of your links and give them names that are more reflective of you, or at least of your blogs.

Again, since this is a little too far removed from my theme of making fun of you, I may also resort to sorting them based on personal preference. The factors will include, as mentioned before, how much I like you and how readable your blog is, but also how active it is. Thus a blog such as Jim's will not fare well in the rankings, despite the fact that I like him and his blog was excellent.

Current Music: The Decemberists - Her Majesty

EDIT (2:47AM, Sept. 1/05): Her Majesty The Decemberists

The Dickolas Wang Haiku Contest 2005

Lately I've been thinking a lot about haiku. I was thinking about writing some, but before I did I found that Dunning had already written one for me. Before I knew it, Jim had another one.

Since I enjoyed these both so very much, I'd like to announce the inaugural Dickolas Wang Haiku Contest. I would like you (yes, you) to come up with a haiku about yours truly, and submit it via the comments on this post for all to see. You can flatter me, you can make fun of me, you can do whatever you want, just so long as it's a haiku, and it's about me.

From Wikipedia's "haiku" entry:

This is the article on the ancient Japanese form of poetry. For the BeOS open-source re-creation project, see Haiku (operating system). For the town in Hawaii, see Haiku-Pauwela, Hawaii.

More pertinently:

Haiku (俳句) is one of the most important modes of Japanese poetry, a late 19th century revision by Masaoka Shiki of the old hokku, the opening verse of a linked verse form, haikai no renga. A traditional hokku consists of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, and 5 morae, phonetic units which only loosely correspond to the syllables of Western languages. It also contains a special season word—the kigo—descriptive of the season in which the hokku was set. Hokku often combine different elements into a unified sensory impression, with a pause (the kireji or "cutting word") at the end of either the first five or second seven morae. Although rarely broken by Japanese hokku poets, these rules are often broken in the later, more "free-form" haiku movement, both in Japanese and in other languages.

Since I don't really know much about the actual form nor the inherent beauty of it, I'll decree that any entries in this contest should be of the typical haiku form we learned in school: three lines, 5-7-5 syllables. No breaking of words over two lines if they're too long.

I already have two entries, and the deadline for more is one week today: September 6, 2005. The categories and prizes are TBA.

Current Music: The Decemberists - Picaresque

Pet Peeve (or, What's Wrong With Wang) #6

I'd been driving all day and for most of yesterday when I finally arrived at my apartment in Berkeley. I was really looking forward to some down time, away from my car, where I could sit back, set up my computer, listen to some music, and wait for my buddy to call so we could go to In-N-Out.

As soon as I laid eyes on my kitchen, though, I knew those plans had to change. Instead, I would spend my time cleaning and pondering a few questions:

• Who puts dishes back into the cupboards when they're not clean?


• Why is there cooking oil in my laundry baskets?


• What the hell was Brad cooking in my rice cooker?


• Why would someone use paper bags for the kitchen garbage can?


• What the hell happened to my stovetop, did he roast marshmallows on it or something?

But there was one question I pondered most of all, and that brings me to Pet Peeve #6:

Finding a piece of fish in your desk drawer
Three letters followed by an interrobang: WTF?!

I also pondered a few other questions:

• Should I title the angry e-mail to Brad "Sweet Jesus, Brad" or "Jesus H. Christ, Brad"?


• How big a wedgie does this entitle me to give him?

Current Music: The Postal Service - Clark Gable

DunningJam 2K5: Seattle

Since we couldn't/can't be there for the actual event, Jowen, Wendy, and I had DunningJam 2K5: Seattle last night. There was beer and there were video games. Then we watched a movie. Sadly, Wendy's apartment is much much cleaner than Dunning's basement and lacking in the cat/dog hair that is its trademark, so it wasn't the true experience.

Jowen is currently better at Halo 2 than the two of us, but we expect that to change within one week, at which point we also expect Jowen to stop playing Halo 2. Jowen is currently in Jowen-trash-talk mode, so we're going to really enjoy it when he stops playing. Ooh, Wendy just fucked Jowen up; sweet.

LUGs.com

Back in third year, Jowen, Victor, Derek and I were out to dinner as we often were. We sat, we ate, we bickered, we did what we do. Derek and Victor talked about Jennifer Love Hewitt; I unloaded some of my relationship problems on the guys; Jowen was busily trying to formulate foolproof get-rich-quick schemes.

Then lightning struck: Derek (I think) mentioned that as roommates in the coming year, we could set up a computer in our living room and have a live webcast going all the time. Since we're such compelling fellas, we were bound to achieve All Your Base Are Belong To Us-level internet fame (or at least Mahir-level fame). We would be sort of like The Real Life, only on the internet, and more Chinese. With this fame, Jowen would become rich; Derek and Victor could one day be presenters on the MTV Movie Awards, and present one of those huge surfboards to Jennifer Love Hewitt; and I could do the same for Jodie Sweetin, thus ending my forthcoming loneliness. (Love ya, Jodie!)

We would have a few features. One, the Mailroom, would be a weekly opening of fan mail. We expected to get at least a few boxes of anthrax and dirty socks, but hey, that's good e-television! We'd also have a system where we'd all keep a blog but agree not to read each others' blogs, so that we could write things like "Man, I wish Jowen would shut the fuck up!". Any time a friend came over, we would advertise it specially. "Tonight: Risk! With special guest: Brad!"

The kicker was our feature "Will Ed Do It?", where we'd take suggestions from our readers for things for Ed to do. These things included streaking at Pit Night, yelling at pregnant women at bus stops, and telling off Triads. Then we'd film Ed actually doing it. Now that is good viewin'.

What would we call ourselves? We were pretty lonely: since it looked like my relationship was in some hot water, three of the four of us were projected to be single in the next week, and Derek will always be lonely regardless. We were pretty ugly: well, except Victor, he was the cute one. "What the hell are we going to call ourselves, anyway? We're just lonely, ugly guys," I said.

That was it! We were the LUGs. We would call our site www.lugs.com.

The cast of characters? I don't remember exactly all our roles, but Jowen was definitely the cheap one, and I was the voice of reason ("This is a bad idea, guys. And it will never happen."). Derek was probably the grumpy one and Victor was probably the cute one, but I don't really remember. We talked about it all summer. It was going to be great. I had a spare PC ready to go and everything.

You'll notice that the link above goes to a site that is NOT about us. That is because it never happened. Nothing we talk about doing ever happens.

Fast forward two and a bit years, and that brings us to a few weeks ago, when we realized that we could do it. More importantly, we could do it with very little effort. We can't do the webcam anymore, which is a good thing anyway since that's just creepy, but we are proud to present to you:

LUGs.com (dot blogspot dot com)
Inspired by Beta Flight National (if you're reading this, Mr. Lynn, don't worry, I'm not a weirdo or anything, I'm just a big big fan -- although I guess that's what weirdos say), LUGs.com allows us a way to keep on keeping on, from wherever we are. Will it lose steam within a month? Probably. But until then, we'll bring you some witty stories and banter, we'll announce LUGs parties, and we'll bring you at least a few "Will Ed Do It?"s, featuring our good friend Ed "Will He Do It?" Chung.

Even more importantly, we'll bicker and make fun of each other (and possibly you) and you probably won't understand a lot of it. But we don't care. That's the beauty of the LUGs: we don't have anyone but each other.

And we hate each other.

Current Music: Roy Orbison - Oh, Pretty Woman (in my head)

P.S.: Don't forget to read the Random Quote right below this. It's really a good one.
P.P.S.: The blog can be found at http://lugsdotcom.blogspot.com/.
P.P.P.S.: While you're there, leave a comment, dammit.

Random quotes from my past, provided without context #25

I had to leave the party with my jacket... tied around my waist.

-- Travis Tanner

Current Music: The Decemberists - The Infanta

Random quotes from my past, provided without context #24

Let's make this one official, since David S. has just reminded me of it. David, you also have the distinction of being the first Random Berkeley quote from my past, provided without context. So, let's get right to it:

Since 19:48.

-- David S.

Current Music: Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere

EDIT (August 23, 2005): Did I say his last name? Because I meant S.

Note to self

Don't forget Steve's birthday.

Current Music: Hot Hot Heat - Goodnight Goodnight

I really enjoy this far too much

I was really quite pleased with myself when my blog-hero Peter Lynn, writer of Man vs. Clown!, commented on my blog. I was alarmingly pleased, actually, considering other people my age are out doing stuff like signing record deals or playing in the NHL.

I also wait, hotly, for material from Ed, Graham, and Jim. I wait too excitedly. I don't think this is healthy. (But still, guys, hurry the fuck up.)

I think I need to take stock of my life.

Current Music: Spoon - A Series of Sneaks

The day is ours/They want to know him at fuck/I almost bought a banjo once

Click to enlarge:


w00t

Also, some of you might enjoy this. Thanks Adam, you my number one dintmeister.

Current Music: The Decemberists - Castaways and Cutouts

EDIT (5:22PM, Aug. 18, 2005): The links keep coming. My cup runneth over.

What's Wang This Week

It's been a busy summer and the time has flown. Before long I will be back in Berkeley feeling stupid, watching The Cartoon Network, and cooking. I think I'm about ready for it, but I never got to go hiking in Whistler like I said I was going to do. Also, I never forced Graham to make more Richard is the Sex! merchandise for my many (3) adoring fans. I also didn't really become the Sex! like I was intending to either. But what did I accomplish?


I'm sure I did some other stuff too. I mean, that only took 92 seconds so I had plenty of time to do other stuff.

I have this feeling people are going to terribly abuse the "flag?" button Blogger just added. In fact, I bet Steve just flagged me. How objectionable do you think things have to be before the powers that be start censoring? Suppose I speculate whether Jim's roommate is balling another dude. Is that objectionable? Suppose I put cartoons of penises online. Is that objectionable? Suppose I blast you with loud music every time you visit my site. That? Suppose I put a picture of my asswipe online. How about that? To be safe, I better not put up any pictures of myself stretching my anus to 6 inches diameter.

(How many of you clicked that last link?)

My trip back to Berkeley looked like it might have to come even sooner due to some miscommunications and misunderstandings with my car and insurance. It's all sorted out now, but let me tell you something: I am never driving back home again. I loved having the car here, but I don't think I'll be here for 3 months next summer, and the mumbo-jumbo that you have to go through with insurance and various bureaucracies that have to <shudder> interact with each other -- well, it wasn't good for my already frazzled nerves.

But this is just one of many downsides of being a Canadian student in the US. I've frequently said that being a Canadian student in the US is like having the worst of both worlds. You have to deal with all of the paperwork and jump through all the extra hoops that international students always have to, while lacking the sexy accent -- even worse than that, apparently I said "aboot" once without even noticing (or at least someone thinks I did. Fucker). What's more, you get mocked for saying things like "pop" when you clearly meant "soda" (fuckers). And like the Americans, you get totally outclassed by the European students (fucquers).

In happier news, I measured my right calf today and it is 16.5" around. Ed informs me that this is getting into bodybuilder territory.

I'm going to go find something to donkey kick.

Current Music: Sigur Rós - Ágætis Byrjun (I hope you all appreciate the work I put into that)

Random quotes from my past, provided without context #23

Tae-kwon-no!

-- Jowen Yeo

Current Music: The Decemberists - Castaways and Cutouts

Gather round, kids, and let me tell you a story

... of how I came to be the Internet's Foremost Dickolas Wang.

Current Music: The Decemberists - Picaresque

Egads! The suspense is killing me!

Who didn't see this one coming? Everyone's favourite cartoonishly ugly, stereotypical, and clearly only-here-to-get-beaten-down comic villain Howard, after weeks of creeping around and stalking Elizabeth, has finally made his move! (Oh, how we love to hate him!)

But look! Who is the mysterious figure coming to Elizabeth's rescue? Will it be:

• John, Elizabeth's father, who only a few days prior took this fucker to task;
• Lawrence, Michael's lifelong friend and employer of both Howard and Elizabeth, who has hired Elizabeth for the summer and trusts her with every aspect of the business;
• Gordon, another old friend of Michael's who taught Elizabeth how to ride a motorcycle, and has looked out for her like a brother;
• or Anthony, Elizabeth's high-school sweetheart, who is both stuck in an unhappy marriage to some terrible ice bitch and clearly still in love with Elizabeth?

Now that's drama!

Current Music: Spoon - I Turn My Camera On

Is there a word for this?

ISO 9002 Certified, after an exciting run up the GarageBand.com charts, has been knocked out of the competition after round 2, settling in at a final all-time rating of 3.7 stars, #489 of 4126 on the all-time charts (as of now). It has also received a Track of the Day award for August 18, 2005, a day which has not come yet.

What is the word for that maneuver where you shake a guy's hand followed immediately by kneeing him in the groin? Is there even a word? It feels like there should be, but Googling "shake hands knee groin" (which, as an aside, is not the most intelligent thing I've done today) returns nothing useful.

If there isn't, there should be. Suggestions?

Current Music: The Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup

You ASS

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What's Wang This Week

In the past four days, I have:

• Lost $5 at poker, engineering my own downfall by inviting the players who ultimately cleaned me out
• Ordered a milkshake, not knowing that it cost $5 and was about 750ml
• Saw Ed. Oh, Ed
• Taken in the fireworks
• Waited approximately an hour and a half at Stephos for food. Next time I go, I'm making sure there's at least one girl in the group, I think that'll keep the service in line
• Embraced aspartame, sorbitol, and sucralose
• Disavowed aspartame, sorbitol, and sucralose the next day
• Decided that I might have to redo a piano track. Fuck, I can't play piano
• Watched excitedly as "ISO 9002 Certified" rocketed to a 4.7 star rating, only to plummet to 3.6 today
• Had an idea that just might change the shape of the blogosphere (well, our blogosphere (well, my blogosphere))... or it might fizzle out and die very very quickly

but after a week in which I played my 500th game of Minesweeper Flags, bought a Cats T-shirt and ate 30 prawns in one sitting, none of it really seems all that bloggable, except for the last thing, and I don't want to ruin the surprise.

Speaking of Stephos, I've noticed that all the people who really like Stephos are girls. Meanwhile, the two times the LUGs have been there, someone doesn't get their food or they/we wait a ridiculously long time for their food. I really think having a girl in the party might make them more attentive. But that doesn't make sense either, because all the waiters are male and it's on Davie street. Maybe it's just because we're all Chinamen.

Oh, and my parents have got some contractors in to rebuild the back patio so that it's now safe to stand on. They're using Dick's Lumber lumber (or would it just be Dick's lumber? Or Dick's Lumber?).

Current Music: Feist - One Evening

Wikipedia

At the time of his death, Douglas Adams was excited about a project that he put together with the BBC had put together. With the advent of the internet, it struck him that the Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy could actually be implemented. I don't think it ever got off the ground though. Too bad, I thought, it was such a great idea.

BUT.

Quoth Douglas Adams:

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopædia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words DON'T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on the cover.

Wikipedia is quite a bit cheaper (free) than the Encyclopædia Britannica (not free). One out of two ain't bad.

Current Music: Rush - Subdivisions

The scourge of the wing night

Oh no, the Chinamen!

-- Richard Liang

Some of my fondest memories of undergrad are the Tuesday nights where Victor, Derek, Jowen and I would hit either 99 Chairs for Toonie Tuesday or the Pit for their wing night. Almost every Tuesday, the four of us (or at least 2 of us) would go and demolish about 4 pounds of wings and either nachos or Belgian fries, depending on where we were. We would also generally buy one medium pop between us.

Imagine, then, my joy at discovering that the Cat & Fiddle Pub, right here in my own figurative backyard, had 25-cent prawns two nights a week, including -- you guessed it -- Tuesday. But wait! Tuesday! my brain said. I can invite Victor, Derek, and Jowen! We ride again!

After a somewhat rough start (Victor forgot about it the first week and then Derek bailed today), the remaining three of us pushed on. As Victor, Jowen and I chowed down on our 70 prawns and two collective beers, I was reminded of a little realization I had in the dank confines of the Pit on a smoky Tuesday night. Why do pubs have wing nights? To sell beer by oversalting and overhotting their wings. Classic loss leader. But there is one problem with this plan:

Chinese people.

Big on oversalting and overheating and not so big on the drinky drinky, Chinese people must be a wing night's worst nightmare. It's not that many people that can achieve, as Victor called it, the "one drink, four pounds of wings" ratio. (Koreans would do, but they're bigger on the sauce.)

I can just see the barkeep standing behind the bar cleaning a glass, when a look of panic sweeps over his face as he sees the Integra pull into the parking lot, saying, "Oh no, the Chinamen!" The kitchen staff resignedly mopes back into the deep freeze and begins thawing another two kilograms of wings.

Tonight, there was real hope in our server's voice as she asked us if we would like any more liquor. Twice she asked; twice we said "No, we're fine, thanks." We speculated as to what the bartenders were saying: something like, "Still nothing, eh?" or "Try pushing it onto the guy in the Dick's Lumber shirt. Well it's worth a shot, anyway." Finally, Victor relented and got another beer, though I implored him not to. It'd be far more beneficial in the long term to put the fear into their hearts.

Mark my words, Cat & Fiddle Pub's 25-cent peel-and-eat shrimp night, we'll be back. Oh yes. The Chinamen will be back.

Current Music: Beck - Girl

What would I do with $4.27 and a trip to Value Village?

I'd buy this.

Oh yes.

Preeeeeeow.

Current Music: John Lennon - Jealous Guy

Mothers, lock up your daughters

We're back.

Women, you may now throw yourselves at us.

Current Music: The Asbestos Concern - ISO 9002 Certified

Duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh da-da-da-da

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