I'm an innovator

You hear about double hamburgers and double cheeseburgers all the time. But you never hear about double hot dogs.

Until now.

Note to self

It's Galen's birthday.

Current Music: Air Supply - All Out Of Love

YES

YES

Yours,

Dickolas

T-minus 75 minutes until delivering Statistics Student Seminar talk

It's go time, bitch.

Current Music: Kenny Loggins feat. Michael McDonald - This Is It
P.S.: I bet you thought I forgot about Features Week.

Where have you been all my life, Facebook group "Mediocre NHLers of the 1990s"?

As I get closer to my qualifying exam, the work just piles up. Unfortunately, the energy is wearing down, and so I find myself sitting idly at a computer more than I should. I'm in one of my "the internet bores me!" phases where I am stuck in a rut of reading maybe four websites a day and then re-reading them because I don't want to bother typing in any other URLs.

Naturally, I turn to Facebook. Especially of late, with Facebook seemingly catching on back home, there's been a flurry of activity there. However, every time I visit Facebook it seems like I go there with the expectation that I will get hours of entertainment, when really, it provides minutes. So, I keep going back there, hoping for some kind of momentous news on my News Feed. Almost always, there isn't, so I just return a poke (or two) and log back out.

That is, until I found "Mediocre NHLers of the 1990's", which has the potential to provide me with the hours of entertainment I so desire. Mind you, there are people who don't seem to grasp the difference between mediocrity and downright sucking¹, as well as that between the 1990s and other decades. Still, there are true gems of mediocrity in there, and every single one of them warms my heart.

Looking through the pictures in the group (all posted under the requirement that the name of the player be given -- "REMEMBER, THEY'RE MEDIOCRE, WHO'S GONNA RECOGNIZE THEM") takes me back to NHL 94, where players were conveniently distilled down to a single number describing how likely they were to score when they shot/stop a shot. The comments kill me too. So far, the players and comments include:

• Bob Corkum


• Guy Hebert


• Terry Yake, a personal favourite


• Michel Petit, who IIRC was rated in the 50s in NHL 94, which is the truest measure of mediocrity


• Dave Babych: "Possibly the slowest player in NHL 93"


• Troy Gamble: a commenter suggests that if Las Vegas ever gets its NHL franchise, longtime Canuck backup Gamble and Maxim Bets are there for the ceremonial puck drop


• Sergei Krivokrasov: "For some reason, he was apparently good enough to have the scoring stick icon on NHL 2001."


• Rick Tabaracci


• Paul Ysebaert

Also on the group is a discussion on the best hockey names ever. I'd have to suggest Dale Hawerchuk myself, but it's hard to argue with Hnat Dominichelli, Zarley Zalapski, and Hakan Loob.

And I'm only on #231 of over 750! Thank you, Facebook.

Current Music: Elvis Costello - Pump It Up

1. Disclaimer: every single one of these players is far better at hockey than I am. I can't skate backwards. I can barely skate forwards.

How else will I segue from "Heart of Gold" to "Spanish Flea"

me:

I bought one of those harmonica rack thingies

me:

so I can play harmonica and guitar at the same time

Théa:

haha!

me:

except that when I wear it, I feel like a gimp

Théa:

you probably look like one too

Théa:

my roommie Lorne used to have one, but we mostly used it as a sandwich holder.

me:

that's awesome

Théa:

so you don't need to use your hands

me:

so I think I should duct tape my kazoo to this thing

Théa:

oh no

Théa:

don't try to play kazoo and harmonica in the same song

me:

c'mon

me:

in one song, I could sing, whistle, play kazoo, and play harmonica

me:

I suppose I could also hum

me:

and talk

Théa:

you could also get hit in the face with a burrito.

me:

which is what you'd do to me if I tried that?

Théa:

if not me, then someone

me:

but it's also so that I can sing and play kazoo in the same song

me:

that's gotta be acceptable

me:

singing along, then, kazoo solo

Théa:

I'm sorry

Théa:

I can't support you in this

me:

spoilsport

me:

all along it has been a dream to construct my harmonikazoo

Théa:

you made it into one word. Oh no.

me:

just like I will make it into one *instrument*

me:

with duct tape

Théa:

please write a blog post about this

Current Music: Blue Rodeo - 5 Days In May

YES

YES

Yours truly,

Dickolas

P.S. At 12:31AM!

Random quotes from my past, provided without context #40

My mom's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And she's like, "I'm married, y'all. So I'm not interested in a relationship."

-- Mike Higgins

Current Music: The Shins - Turn On Me

Note to self

It's Peter's birthday.

Current Music: The Manual - Orbit

And why is there a team in Phoenix

After watching the first period and the scores of the Leafs beating the Habs to eliminate the Habs last and remain in the playoff race, only to watch Ryan Smyth's Islanders eliminate them this afternoon, I could do nothing but marvel at the situation. Now, instead of having four Canadian teams in the playoffs, there are three, and one almost wants to say "Thanks a lot, Leafs".

But then one must also say the same to the 2006 Cup Finalist Edmonton Oilers, too, who managed to destroy not only their own playoff chances by trading Ryan Smyth to Long Island, but indirectly the Leafs' as well. So thanks a lot, Oilers, for immolating not one, not two, but three Canadian teams.

And in the end I guess the Penguins will not move to Winnipeg.

Go Canucks go.

In conversation with Dickolas (Random quotes from my recent past, provided with some context)

me:

She was never really willing to understand me, I think. Like, for example, she really didn't like the Math Club, refused to get to know people there.

Travis:

Nobody likes the Math Club, Rich.

Moorea:

So does this mean you're not going to have fun for the next month?

me:

Yeah. But, you know, I've been thinking of giving up fun for a while anyway.

crowd:

[laughs]

me:

I mean, it's fun for a while, but...

Rachel:

What does the box for the Wii look like?

me:

Well, it's white, it's about this long [gestures], this wide [another gesture], and this deep [another gesture], it has a picture of a Wii on it, and it says "Wii" on the side.

me:

We will see each other Friday, yes?

Rachel:

Yes!

me:

Okay, great.

Rachel:

That is my only plan for the week that can't be broken if [extenuating circumstance]. You're special.

me:

Aw shucks. Now I feel bad that you're not more special than my bowl of ramen noodles.

Current Music: Crowded House - Fall At Your Feet

A testament to poor eating

Since I've been back in Berkeley things have kicked into high gear. I have to do my qualifying exam in a month, so I have a lot of prep to do. Simultaneously, I also wish I was still on Spring Break. Thus, I have very little time or energy to devote to cooking.

Fortunately, Safeway had mandarin oranges (well, Clementines, but who cares) and Giants- and A's-themed sacks of peanuts: perfect nosh for a guy like me. Mandarin oranges for an easy-to-eat sweet-tart pick-me-up, and peanuts for my upbringing in a blue-collar suburb.

Unfortunately, I bought a 1.5kg bag of salted peanuts, which I'm realizing now is a lot of peanuts. Also, I already had a few oranges lying around from my last box of oranges, which by now are all shrivelled up and/or moldy, so I had to eat those first. I took the biggest bowl I own and started eating peanuts and throwing the shells into the bowl. Later, I dug into the oranges and threw the moldy ones into the bowl, and the peels of the ones that weren't so shrivelled up that I wouldn't eat them with them. The next day I added another layer of peanut shells and two more orange peels and one more moldy orange. One more layer of peanuts today and the bowl was full.

My first thought was not to empty the bowl and start over, but to pour in alternating layers of green jello and cream until it formed a trifle. I thought it would be a conversation piece... a testament to poor eating. But then I thought that perhaps aspic would be a more appropriate choice, since the peanuts were salted. Also, the orange layers were too thin compared to the peanut layers.

In the end, I emptied the bowl and started over. I was hungry.

Oh, heli!

Ah, to be young again.

Note to self

Figure out if Brad's birthday is actually on April Fool's, or if he's just making an April Fool out of everyone who believes it.

Current Music: The Jayhawks - Save It For A Rainy Day

Note to self

You forgot Divyesh's birthday on Monday, you wad.

Current Music: The Jayhawks - Save It For A Rainy Day